


Vampires and Werewolves and Serial Killers, Oh My!

by Ourliazo



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Edward reacts like a normal teenager, Friendship, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Humour, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jacob and Edward are good bros, Warning: Serial Killer, Why Did I Write This?, diving back into the fandom like -
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:02:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29942826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ourliazo/pseuds/Ourliazo
Summary: Jacob meets Edward before Bella ever arrives in Forks. Jacob also gets the unfortunate realisation that not all monsters have claws or fangs.(Edward tries his hardest to not eat a serial killer while Jacob tries his hardest to get this dumb rich boy to wear a jacket - it's negative seven degrees out here!)
Relationships: Jacob Black & Edward Cullen
Comments: 10
Kudos: 52





	Vampires and Werewolves and Serial Killers, Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Serial killer kills and rapes victims but only mentioned vaguely and all characters are safe at all times.

Edward sits high up in the branches of the forest, drawn close by the thoughts trickling into his head, wondering if he should kill a man.

Rosalie would and so too would Jasper. The others are going to be upset with Edward though. Of course, if Alice hasn't already come running then Edward probably doesn't rip this man's stomach out, and leave him to bleed in the cold, damp forest of Forks.

Edward really wants to though.

He used to think himself an avenger. Would lurk in the shadows of a cityscape and drink from bad people. Or at least he did until he just started making excuses to kill every time he got hungry.

This one would deserve it, but Carlisle is going to be upset.

Edward breathes in damp soil and decay of the forest, locks onto three different groups of hikers still within his range, smells the bleach and old blood clinging to the man who walks below him.

Edward slips off the branch and winds his way down the tree, dropping without a sound, without disturbing the leaf litter. "Are you lost?"

The hiker jerks and whips around in shock. He's geared up for a long hike, for a long and drawn-out kill. A large backpack with a tent and all the supplies to keep someone restrained, to hide the body after.

Worn and well-loved clothes in deeper colours but layered up so it bulks up his frame more, to make him intimidating. A small camera bag slung over his neck. New jacket, because the last one got ripped when the bitch struggled too much.

Edward takes a deep breath and he knows his eyes are black.

"Oh, shit, you scared me," the hiker laughs, the roguish grin fitting well with his neatly trimmed beard.

_Pretty boy, I bet he'd cry._

Dumb human, Edward thinks back. I bet he'd scream.

"Is the trail nearby?" the hiker asks, logging Edward's sneakers, jeans and the beige cardigan Alice shoved on him before he left. "Or your house? You don't look like you're going for a hike, unless you're as lost as I am."

"I can show you back to the path," Edward says. He lies.

For the past hour, Edward has been planting false trails and disappearing signs, leading the man deeper into the woods. Unfortunately, the man seems to have caught on though, an experienced hiker who knows how to readjust himself with landmarks. If Edward doesn't step in the man will find his way back.

"If you can, that'd be great," the hiker says casually, already walking to Edward. He checks the fold out knife in his back pocket. Guesses it'll probably take one good knee to the stomach and the delicate teen will be on his knees gagging.

Edwards looks forward to when this man shatters his kneecap. Edward will laugh and then break his other knee and watch the man try to crawl away using his arms.

Edward shakes his head and thinks about Esme's soft smiles. He's getting too deep into the hiker's head.

"This way," Edward says and starts to lead the man deeper into the forest, away from the trail and the other unsuspecting hikers. It's closer to the wolves, but they can walk along the border and it shouldn't cause trouble. After Edward gets the man lost enough, and takes all his supplies, it shouldn't take long for the man to succumb to nature.

"Do you live in Forks?" the hiker asks, falling into step with Edward. "I just popped down for the trails here. I do some amateur photography as I go." Takes pictures of all the people he's killed, keeps the memory drive in the false bottom of his camera case.

"Where did you come down from?" Edward asks.

Two women near their broken-down car, a lost child in a picnic spot, a lone man fishing, a teenage girl on a jog, the last rock climber woman who put up a good fight, and now this skinny teen.

"About a day away, just on the state border," the hiker muses, pulling his beanie further down over dark blond hair. "I thought it was supposed to be sunny today but I guess the TV lied."

Edward hums. Turns left and walks with the border on his right side.

"What's your name, darling?" the hiker asks, testing him.

"Don't call me that," Edward says idly. You'll be calling me a monster soon enough.

"What? Oh, whoops, sorry," the hiker winces. "Bad habit, I call everyone darling." He takes a step in closer, so they're walking almost close enough that their swinging hands could touch.

_Let's go with Charles today._

"So what's your name? I'm Charles," the hiker says.

"Hm? Did you say Mark?" Edward turns and peers up at the man.

The hiker's smile turns wooden for a moment before reanimating. "It's Charles."

_Lucky guess. A random kid in a backwater town like this won't scare me off. Probably cover his eyes though, I don't like the way he looks at me._

Just for that, Edward maintains eye contact for far longer than humans deem necessary, and the man looks away first. Edward glances out over the forest. "Be careful out here. There are wolves."

"No need to worry," the man laughs, slinging an arm around Edward's shoulders. "I'm a strong fighter. I'll protect you."

"Don't touch me, Mark."

"Charles," the hiker corrects, but he's a lot more subdued when he pulls his arm away.

* * *

Jacob is not lost, okay. He is not some dumb fifteen-year-old on a school camping trip who got lost when he was playing hide and seek with his friends and was maybe too enthusiastic.

But he is going to win this game damn it and you can suck it, Embry.

"…ey! Hey! You, wait up!"

Jacob ducks behind a tree because is it Quil? How the hell did that guy find Jacob after that dead sprint?

"Uh, kid? I'm not going to hurt you or anything, I just got lost and, uh, lost my guide too."

It doesn't sound like Quil or any of the other guys so Jacob brushes himself off and steps out from behind the tree like a normal person, playing it cool. "Hey, man. Don't have a map or anything?"

The hiker laughs and jogs the last few steps towards Jacob, his heavy pack rustling, dressed in almost as much layers as Jacob. "Didn't think to pick one up, honestly. I found another person but he…seems to have left."

"Huh," Jacob says, scrubbing a hand through his long hair. Well shit, now they're both lost. "Yeah, actually, I'm a bit-"

" _Jacob."_

Jacob and the hiker turn to find a skinny, pale teenager maybe a few years older than Jacob standing there after having come out of nowhere, a small glare on his face and dressed for summer.

"What are you wearing?" Jacob blurts out, looking this boy up and down. "Shit, you're going to get frostbite." Jacob is already ripping one of his jackets off.

The other teenager tears his gaze away from the hiker and blinks at Jacob. "No, I don't need it," he insists, taking a step back when Jacob comes closer. "I really don't – _Jacob_!"

"Bruh, you're in a _cardigan_ ," Jacob deadpans, forcing the puffer jacket onto this dumb white boy. "Put it on, I'm not dragging your ass to the hospital if you become an icy pole."

Jacob's hand brushes the other teen's neck as he's yanking the collar to zip it up and he snatches his hand back with a hiss. "Shit! You're freezing!"

"Bad circulation," the teenager tries, his eyes flickering back to the hiker standing behind Jacob. "It's fine, I'm not cold."

"Frostbite can _literally kill people_ , it's not a joke. My friend went to hospital for it once and he says he almost lost a toe. Holy shit, I think you're dying." Jacob bear-hugs the dumbass and frantically rubs the teenager's back, trying to create heat through friction while hopefully the body heat does something to help.

"Jacob!" the teenager cries, flinching away as his arms come up but he doesn't shove Jacob away and actually is very gentle when he tugs at the sleeves of Jacob's jacket. "Wait, wait, too close-"

"What, are you one of those homophobic dudes scared of penises?"

The other boy chokes on air and turns away to cough. "Wh-what does that even mean?"

The hiker cracks up laughing and that seems to snap the teenager out of it. He looks back over to the hiker and from this close, Jacob can peer up and see the boy's eyes are pitch black. He smells nice, too. And looks prettier than Yevette, the hottest girl in Jacob's grade.

The teen startles, looking back down at Jacob again. "Um, Jacob, really, I'm fine."

"Do I know you?" Jacob muses, still rubbing for that kinetic energy. "How do you know my name?"

"I've – heard about you," the boy tries. "From – Charlie. He talks about - Bella a lot too. My dad also likes to go – fishing."

"Well damn, now I really can't let you die," Jacob jokes.

The teen abruptly hugs back and picks Jacob up, spinning them away. Jacob stumbles when he gets set down and the other boy escapes. The hiker is standing where they were with his top layer coat off and holding it out, like he was going to put it on one of them.

"I'm not cold," the teenager says firmly, standing in between Jacob and the hiker, staring the man down. He turns back to Jacob. "I'm Edward. I know the way out of the forest and – everything is going to be fine."

* * *

_This dumbass is going to die and dad is going to be upset with me,_ Jacob thinks.

 _I can take out Edward first. Jacob might be a bit harder but he's just growing into those shoulders, I can manage it,_ the hiker thinks.

Should have just killed the man, Edward sighs inwardly. Well too late now, the unfortunate Jacob is stuck with them. Edward can't lead Jacob back to the school camping ground either because Edward can't go that deep into wolf territory, but he doesn't want to leave Jacob to get lost with just vague instructions.

Maybe if Embry comes closer, but the other teen is only vaguely at the border of Edward's sensing range and keeps fading in and out.

"This way," Edward says and starts walking with the border on his left side now. He needs to get back to the road.

"Put your hands in your pockets," Jacob orders, lengthening his stride to quickly match Edward's pace.

_Edward must have just arrived in Forks with the way he dresses – doesn't know the first thing about cold weather._

The hiker swings his jacket back on and then his backpack and follows a few steps behind, admiring the way those two boys look together.

_It's so much better to have one watching._

Edward focuses on the last chess game he had with Jasper. Knight to B3. Pawn to F6.

They walk for a while, Jacob and the hiker chatting with Edward cutting in with a sharp retort when the hiker starts getting too personal.

As they pass between massive trees, the hiker looks up and lets out a low whistle. "Magnificent, aren't they? Hey, you boys mind if I take a couple photos?"

"Nah, go ahead," Jacob muses, coming to a stop.

Edward grimaces but his face is expressionless when he turns to face the two others. He stands to the side with Jacob while the man preps his camera gear and starts taking a few photos.

"You two want to get in the shot?" the man laughs, turning the camera on them.

"No," Edward snaps and steps in front of Jacob even though he was expecting it and told himself to not react.

"I guess Edward is camera shy," Jacob offers up. "Um, maybe not, dude."

"Alright," the hiker says easily and lowers his camera because he's already taken a few photos of them with Jacob holding his hands out calmingly and Edward bristling.

"Let's go," Edward urges and starts walking again, grabbing Jacob's sleeve and dragging him along.

The hiker takes a few more photos of them from behind.

In the end they, somehow, get five minutes out from the road without either the hiker or Edward getting homicidal.

"I need to…go for a moment," Edward says primly to the hiker. "Jacob is coming with me."

The hiker raises an eyebrow. "Oh, so you ran off last time to take a piss and got too shy to say it?"

Actually, Edward was back up in a tree, contemplating how suspicious it would be to drop a boulder on this man.

Jacob just shrugs casually. "Sure, let's go. I've always wanted to know how it feels to move in a pack like those girls do."

Edward takes the lead and wonders how easy it would be to just knock Jacob out and run.

Behind them, the hiker is left alone to pull the hatchet out of his backpack and hook the loop of rope to the outside of his pack for easier access.

"Where are we going?" Jacob asks after walking quite a distance. "Like that tree's fine. Or that one."

Edward whirls around and Jacob comes to a halt too.

_He must be super shy._

"That man is a serial killer," Edward says.

_Uhhhhhh fuck._

"He told me some things, before we stumbled into you," Edward continues. "It was – scary. I was scared." Oh, nice acting Edward, you're a human for sure. "Anyway, we won't get reception here but there should be an emergency phone booth along the road coming up so I need you to call the police – um, Charlie, directly. I'll distract the man."

_Is this a joke?_

Jacob starts out with a half-hearted laugh. "Are you-"

"It's not a joke, he's going to – do bad things and then kill us to hide the evidence," Edward cuts in. "Just call Charlie, tell him the man – said things about Danielle, the rock climber."

"Who's Danielle?" Jacobs asks in confusion. "Edward, man, I know we don't know each other but you can't joke about things like that."

_How long was Edward alone with the man? What did the man do to Edward while Jacob wasn't there?_

Edward hates himself. "Jacob, I'm really just…scared, okay?" He steps closer, drops his voice lower and tilts his head to get the perfect angle – the one Rosalie likes to paint. " _Jake_ , please, he said a lot of things to me."

"What did he say?" Jacobs asks hesitantly, shoulders hunching.

_You idiot! You don't ask that question to a clearly traumatised person. Oh, fuck, Edward is older but he's still like sixteen, isn't he? No wonder he was so tense whenever the man got close. Why am I such a moron?_

"It's okay," Jacob quickly adds on, stepping forward and grabbing Edward's shoulders. "Everything's okay. There's two of us, we can take him."

"He has knives and rope and a hatchet - I just need you to call Charlie," Edward insists. "There's no evidence yet but you have to make him come and arrest the man, alright? We can't let this man get away and find other people."

Jacob pauses. "Oh fuck, weapons. Okay. Okay, you come with me-"

"I need to watch the man," Edward cuts in. "Just listen to me, I have a plan."

"We can make a run for it now, make the call and hide," Jacob suggests.

"It takes half an hour to get here from the police station, with no traffic," Edward explains. (At normal human driving speed.) "We can't leave. I'll distract him while you make the call. I'll say that a bus comes by and can take us to another small trail that eventually links up with the larger one. He wants us alone so we can't let on that people are coming for us."

"You make the call, I'll distract the man."

Edward makes a frustrated sound like the seventeen year old he tries not to be. "I have a – black belt in Brazilian Jujitsu. I'll be fine."

Jacob looks Edward up and down.

"Fuck you, I'm big enough!" Edward cries without even needing to hear those thoughts.

_How long are they going to be? What are the chances the pretty boy is being fucked up against a tree right now by the native?_

Edward looks back. "He's going to get suspicious soon. Jacob, _please_ , he can hurt other huma- people. Other people."

Jacob takes a deep breath. "Okay. Okay, yeah. Sure, sure. We got this."

Edward grabs one of Jacob's hands and holds it so Jacob refocuses on him. " _Jake_ , I promise, everything is going to go fine as long as you listen to the plan. You're going to be a hero for this. You're going to save people."

Jacob's expression settles into determination. "Yeah. Alright, let's go."

* * *

"I need to piss," Jacob says lightly, kicking a small piece of gravel across the empty road not even lined.

"What took you so long before?" the _mother fucking serial killer_ asks Jacob, leaning back against the tree as they wait for the bus that's not coming.

"Edward couldn't find a tree he liked," Jacob jokes back and shoves his hands into his pockets because they're shaking.

Edward huffs where he's sitting on a fallen tree trunk, half cut up and shoved onto the side of the road after it fell. Edward is posing himself perfectly, back straight and legs crossed at the knee. He's unzipped Jacob's jacket so it doesn't hide the rest of him, and puts on an arrogant expression as he sneers at Jacob.

What the fuck are you doing?! Jacob mentally screams at Edward but the other clearly isn't a mind reader since he doesn't cover himself up again. Jacob wants to wipe that look off Edward's face and maybe that's the point.

Jacob is going to come back and Edward is going to be dead, fuck.

"Go then," Edward says pointedly. "You look all jittery too, just go."

Jacob turns away and he walks off down the road, towards where the bend is and past that should be a phone booth if Edward is correct.

Behind him, Jacob hears the serial killer ask if he can take a few pictures of Edward.

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

After he gets out of sight he sprints to the bright blue phone booth and fumbles the phone out of the cradle. He doesn't have Charlie's number so he calls the general hotline for the Forks police.

"I need to talk to Charlie, the police chief," Jacob says quickly.

"You need the police?" the woman who picks up says. "What's your emergency?"

"Just – um, I'm Jacob, I know Charlie. He's really good friend with my dad, Billy." Jacob thunks his head down onto the phone booth. "I just really need to talk to Charlie."

"Okay," the woman muses. "I'll ask."

She goes away for a bit and then Charlie's gruff voice comes on. "Hey, Jake. Something the matter? Is everything okay?"

There's a serial killer!

"Um," Jacob says. "So, I met a man in the forest, I got lost playing hide and seek, dad will probably call you in for that soon after they tell him I've gone missing." Jacob slaps a hand over his mouth and takes a deep breath. "I need you to come, the man said something to Edward, another boy, and Edward got really panicked. He mentioned Dan – uh, Danielle, the rock climber."

There's a brief pause.

"Where are you, Jacob?" Charlie says firmly. "Are you safe? Where's the man? And your friend?"

"I'm on, uh, Edward said Davids Road. The phone booth says number six." Jacob looks around. "Edward is distracting the man. The guy has rope and um, a hatchet."

"I'm on my way right now," Charlie says and there's lots of rustling in the background. "It's going to take some time, can you and your friend get somewhere safe?"

"There's nothing here," Jacob admits. "We told him a bus was coming, we're waiting."

There's some quiet cursing and voices overlapping. "Jacob, there's a patrol car twenty minutes out. Try and stay with your friend. I'll be there as soon as I can as well."

* * *

The hiker checks his wristwatch.

"The bus comes every hour," Jacob says. Again.

_Fuck. Fuck, stay calm, you need to protect Edward._

Edward purses his lips. You know, Jacob, if you want to wander off for a bit, a tree or two could fall down and take care of the problem.

_Never mind the bus, just drag them back into the forest. It's isolated enough. No cars have passed by, I can take my time._

Several trees, Edward thinks, and then perks up when he finally hears the car. He stands up and pulls Jacob up with him. "Come with me."

Jacob follows obediently and the hiker raises an eyebrow but doesn't bother to comment. He's getting lax, pity for him.

A police car pulls around the bend and the hiker tenses while Jacob slumps into Edward's shoulder. Edward waves and points at the man now separated from them by a road.

The car stops and out comes a woman with a calm disposition. She glances over Edward and Jacob but keeps her body tilted towards the hiker. "Excuse me, sir, can I ask your name?"

The hiker pauses. "Mark."

"I thought it was Charles," Jacob calls back, much more at ease with the police car between them.

The hiker smiles. "Ma'am, is there a problem? I'm not sure what's happening, I'm just waiting for a bus."

"I'm going to have to ask you to come down to the station with me for some questions," she says evenly. "We've got a call in about your alleged connection to Danielle Gan, a body that was found recently. Please understand that we have to take that kind of thing seriously."

"Am I under arrest?"

"No, but if you refuse you will be," the police woman explains.

The hiker looks around, checks the car, and then scans the woman.

_No cameras? Odd, but I guess Forks is small enough to not have that kind of thing implemented yet._

"Sir, please get into the back of the car."

The hiker walks forward to the backdoor the woman opens for him.

"He's holding a knife," Edward says.

The policewoman puts a hand on her gun. "Sir."

The hiker quickly raises his hands. "Hey, I'm not touching anything, ma'am. No need for that."

_Piece of shit, I can't believe this, got caught out when I didn't do shit. It's fine, it's fine, they have no evidence._

Edward watches the man get locked in the back and the woman gets on the radio. He turns to Jacob and smiles. "See? Hero work is pretty anticlimactic, right?"

Jacob drops onto the ground because his legs can't hold him anymore.

"Jacob!" Edward says in shock and crouches down. "It's okay, everything's okay."

_Ohmyfuckinggod-_

"-we just caught a-"

_-serialkillermy-_

"-dad is going to be so upset-"

_-likebatmanfuckyeah-_

"-never again-"

_-Ineedanap._

Edward purses his lips. "Yeah. Let's go take a nap."

* * *

"Edward!"

Edward looks up from where he's smothering his nose with a hand, not breathing but that scent is so strong he-

Jacob slams into Edward and damn near bounces off because Edward forgets to be human. "Bruh, what, are you working out?" he laughs. "No, I mean, did you see it on TV last night? My friends went nuts and dad finally let me out of the house again – though I'm not meant to see you again but whatever, he's being weird-"

Edward grabs Jacob in a hug and shoves his face into the other teen's neck, breathing him in and trying to drown out that girl's scent. Jacob is already starting to smell a bit like wet dog.

"Aww," Jacob says, softening up and hugging back. "Yeah, I missed you too. I'm glad you're skipping class, let's go talk. I have to go home as soon as school is over and getting back to the Res is going to be a pain, so we don't have much time."

"My car," Edward chokes out and points vaguely, using Jacob's sight to lock onto the silver Volvo.

"Aww, are you crying?" Jacob asks, rubbing Edward's back. "I'm sorry I couldn't find you sooner, my dad gets weird sometimes. Come on, let's go."

Edward struggles to pull himself away and hurries Jacob over. The car is safe. The car smells like family. Jacob climbs into the passenger's seat and Edward slams his door shut, letting out a steadying breath.

"How have you been?" Jacob asks, trying for casual because Edward is clearly having a trying time right now.

"Good," Edward replies automatically. He's more distracted with Jasper and Rosalie trying to make their way out of class because they were close enough for Jasper to get hit with a bit of Edward's hunger and he's struggling.

 _Edward,_ Jasper thinks, still with that southern drawl even in his head. _Edward, my dearest darling brother whom I love, I swear, I love you so much, I'm definitely not going to rub your floofy hair in the dirt when I get home._

Jasper focuses on the memory of all the times he messed up Edward's hair and had Edward scream at him. This calms Jasper.

Edward clears his throat and shifts so he faces Jacob better. "Um, how have you been?"

"That's what I said," Jacob explains. "And you didn't answer properly. Try again."

Edward smoothes out his hair because Jasper is still thinking it very loudly. Maybe it's because he's distracted, but Edward is truthful. "My family doesn't like it. We got too much attention and they like to stay quiet."

Jacob scoffs. "Edward, you caught a serial killer, and your family is upset at the _attention_?!"

Edward blinks and fully returns to his body. "Oh, no, I mean it's not like that. I mean I was safe the whole time, so that's not their concern, I have – a black belt."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Jacob retorts. "But what do your friends think about the whole thing – like it's cool, right? Are you getting worshipped yet?"

Edward pauses. "Um, sure."

Jacob raises an eyebrow. "You do have friends, don't you? I know you moved in recently."

"Yes."

Jacob sighs and pats Edward on the shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll be your bestest best friend for ever and ever."

"I like your sarcasm much better than Rosalie's," Edward mutters. "And I could make friends if I wanted too, I just don't want to."

"Uh huh, and who's Rosie?"

"The blonde," Edward says and points out Rosalie, who is storming across the school parking lot, dragging Jasper behind her. Rosalie spots Jacob in the car and her face contorts.

Edward musters up the courage to open his door again. "Sorry, Jasper. It's fine, you can come in."

Rosalie nearly snarls. _Edward, you can't be serious._

"Dog," Jasper chokes out quietly.

Rosalie pauses and breathes in. "Fine. Fine, whatever." She shoves Jasper into the back and climbs in as well.

"Hey," Jacob offers up, turning in his seat. "You guys don't look like Edward."

Rosalie scowls at Jacob. "You're that boy who Edward dragged into the serial killer thing."

Jacob turns to look at Edward. "So you were serious when you said your family was upset? So, what, none of them care that you caught a murderer? That you saved who knows how many lives, and brought justice for the _six other human beings_ he killed? That you risked your life - they don't _care_ about the fact that you're a fucking _hero_?"

Edward is wide eyed.

Jacob's exhale stutters. "Sorry, I-"

"I'm sorry," Rosalie cuts in, hands pressing down on her lap. "I'm sorry, Edward, what you did was a good thing. You made the right choice, and I'm proud of you."

Edward is even more wide eyed.

Jasper leans forward and holds Edward's arm. "The others just get…caught up in other things. What they said, I could feel - _know_ , that they meant it in the best way. They were worried for you. I'm sorry I didn't speak up."

Edward looks between Jasper and Rosalie. "Really?" he asks with maybe a little wobble in his voice. "Because everyone was _really_ upset."

" _Edward_ ," Rosalie says firmly, grabbing Edward and pulling. "I'm so proud, you should know how proud I am of you."

Edward forgets himself a bit and with a quick twist he's sitting in the backseat between Rosalie and Jasper, enjoying their hugs and the thoughts that bump up against his own and pour into his head.

Jacob starts to ease himself out of the car.

Edward shakes himself out of it. "Uh, wait, I can drive you back to – the bus station."

"Nah, I can make my way back," Jacob says easily. "You spend time with your weirdly blonde siblings. Or are you the weird one?"

"Edward's the weird one," Jasper says solemnly.

Jacob laughs and slides out of the car fully, only to get an armful of Alice. "Whoa, _holy shit_ -"

"This is Edward's number," Alice chirps, shoving a piece of paper into Jacob's hand. "Thank you."

Alice then dives into the car and worms her way over Rosalie, Edward and Jasper's laps even though a Volvo really can't handle this many people in the back.

Emmett claps Jacob on the shoulder and he passes by. "You better call, I want to play baseball with you."

"Sure," Jacob offers, shutting the passenger side door.

Edward waves sheepishly as Emmett takes the keys Alice stole from Edward and drives off.

As soon as Jacob is out of sight, Edward screams into his hands. "That was _so embarrassing!_ Don't do that to me again!"

 _You started that_ , Jasper thinks. "Sure."

 _There's the seventeen year old coming out in full force._ Rosalie scoffs. "Why'd you even invite him into the car?"

Alice makes cooing sounds even as the soon-to-be family meeting flashes behind her eyes where Edward breaks down again and gets hugs.

"No," Edward huffs. "I'm running to Canada."

Emmett laughs, reaching back to slap Edward's knee. "Well look at that, first you didn't eat some random chick, but you're still trying to run away."

Edward blanks completely. "Oh, I can never go back to that high school."

Rosalie shrugs. "I mean I can just bully her until she snaps and transfers."

"No!" Alice tsks. "Rosie, we don't bully. You're such a band influence on our _hero_."

Edward slams his head down onto Jasper's shoulder hard enough to make a loud _clack_. Jasper's shoulder shakes in silent laughter.

* * *

"So," Jacob says when Edward opens the door. "Apparently I'm on like steroids and exploding into a giant wolf is a common side effect."

"You can't be here," Edward hisses, ushering Jacob back. "They're going to smell me on you - wait, how did you get taller than me?"

"Did you not hear me say steroids? And, by the way, they can go fuck themselves," Jacob offers up. "Sorry for the bad words, everyone!"

"That's alright, dear," comes Esme's faint voice from inside.

Rosalie sticks her head out of the window above. "I'm in full agreement with the fucking themselves bit."

Emmett leans out after her. "Edward, can't you just date this masterpiece of a werewolf instead of the human who we can't do anything fun with?"

Jacob points a finger up at Emmett. "And I'm the alpha, baby. You know I'll take care of you."

Rosalie rolls her eyes and drags Emmett back in with her.

Edward scrubs a hand down his face. "I thought…you were still upset over the whole dating Bella thing."

"Yeah but then I turned into a fucking wolf and some things just seemed more important," Jacob admits.

Edward looks back up at him. "We can't go inside, they'll listen to everything we say."

"I can show you my final form," Jacob jokes, gesturing out towards the forest ringing the property. "I bet I'm big enough you could ride me."

"I'm heavy," Edward points out.

"Don't you challenge me, Edward. You know how stupidly competitive I get these days."

And so, a few minutes later, Jacob is in wolf form and staring Edward down.

"Oh, they're really not happy," Edward says, gaze distant as he sinks into the hive mind of the small pack.

Jacob changed startlingly quickly, probably from all his time hanging out around Edward. Only Sam and Paul have shifted with Jared just starting to get the shakes.

_Like I said, fuck 'em. Now hop on, bitch, imma take you for a ride._

"Emmett is such a bad influence on you," Edward sighs. "And no, I'm going to fall off or something and _everyone_ is watching."

In fact, all of Edwards' weird siblings are peering out at them through the windows on the massive house, not to mention the two wolves barking at Jacob.

_Just once, and I'll go slow. Super slow. I'll crawl._

Edward doesn't look amused. "This is so dumb. I hate you." He grabs a fistful of fur and hesitates. He scowls and whips around. "No, I don't need a boost!"

Jacob crouches down. _Come on, building the tension just makes it worse for you_.

"I'm going to crush you with my weight," Edward warns and then musters up the courage to jump and swing a leg over.

Jacob feels the weight, sure, but it's only like a small car or something. _Easy. Look at you, barebacking like a pro._

"Stop," Edward complains. "It can't just be Emmett, all your friends are awful people too."

Jacob slowly stands. _You think I'm faster than you?_

Edward scoffs. "No one is faster than me – no, no, _Jacob!_ "

* * *

Bella lies in the circle of Edward's arms, watching the sunline stream through the trees onto their small clearing and reflect off the diamonds in Edward's skin.

Edward's eyes are closed and Bella draws fingers down the skin of his perfect face, tries to smooth out the faint wrinkle between his brows.

"What are you frowning for?" Bella asks.

"Trying to hear you," Edward admits, his expression smoothing out as his eyes flutter open to dazzling amber.

"You could just ask," Bella says with a smile.

Edward opens his mouth and then his eyes go wide. He sits up, pulling Bella with him. "We need to go."

"What? What's wrong?" Bella cries.

"He's gotten faster," Edward curses. "Bella – ah, Alice will pick you up."

"Wait, Edward, what's happening?" Bella urges.

A giant mother fucking wolf bursts through the trees, snatches Edward up in its mouth, and then flounces off.

Bella screams and lurches to her feet to chase after it. "Edward! _Edward!_ "

Alice darts in and grabs Bella before she can get far. "It's fine, it's a thing that happens."

"Edward is going to be eaten!" Bella cries.

"Oh, no, vampires taste awful," Alice assures. "Goes down a bit rough, Edward's fine."

* * *

The piano thunders as Edward slams his hands down on the keys, a jarring shock from the light and pleasant sonata that resonated with every drop of a key.

"Jacob, get off Carlisle!" Edward snaps, glaring across the room.

Jacob is full shifter so he's running at a dangerous temperature even without Forks currently being under a shock heatwave. Jacob's house only has heater, the shopping centre isn't cool enough and this house doesn't have anything because Esme thinks the air conditioners ruin the aesthetics.

Fortunately, vampires run at a nice icy temperature.

"What's the problem?" Jacob asks innocently, splayed over Carlisle, basically molesting the man to get as close to the cold skin as possible.

"It's not a bother, Edward," Carlisle says pleasantly, sitting on the couch and currently fast forwarding through pre-recorded sports games because he needs to pretend he cares with work colleagues. "In fact, Jacob is running at a high temperature even for a shifter, so I do consider this a medical intervention."

Jacob rubs his cheek against Carlisle's shoulder.

Edward slams the key cover down on the piano and storms over, grabbing Jacob's arm and dragging him out. Jacob flopped, letting himself be literally dragged across the ground.

The strong sun makes Edward flare brightly for a split second when he steps out until it resettles into flakes of rainbows. He doesn't stop walking until he's reached the small flowing creek that cuts through part of the backyard and then throws Jacob into it where the tree cover casts it into shadow.

Jacob makes a sad sound, readjusting so his head is propped up by the slanted grass of the bank but his body is in the water. "Lukewarm at best."

Edward grumbles but gets into the stream and sits down so the water passes him and gets colder by the time it hits Jacob.

"Just come here," Jacob complains, reaching sideways and pawing at Edward's foot. "No, but like actually, I'm suffering. Edward, come on. I was playing. You know how shitty I feel."

Edward holds out for only a few more moments but does give in and shuffle over to wrap around Jacob. Jacob makes a pleased sound even though his mind says it's definitely not helping enough yet. Even with Carlisle, he still felt sick.

"We can go up north if you want," Edward points out. "Or you should go to the beach with the other shifters."

"Vampires are still colder than the ocean," Jacob admits. "And I really can't run in this weather, my fur is going to give me heatstroke." He rolls his head around and flops it over Edward's hair. "Shit, distract me, I already ate all the ice cream in this house."

Edward thinks hard for a moment. "Okay, uh, what job have you always been interested in? Between everyone in my family, we've done it all. Probably."

"Police," Jacob immediately says because he still thinks about what happened, a lot _. I'm going to be a policeman and stop people like that._

"I was a detective for a bit a few decades ago," Edward muses. "Kind of cheated though, with the mind reading, but I put away a lot of people and rescued a handful of the innocent ones."

Jacob imagines Edward as Sherlock Holmes, running around fighting crime.

"Not quite," Edward muses. "Alice would kill me if I went into public wearing clothes like that."

"Oh, right, because your sister still dresses you."

"She dresses everyone," Edward says defensively. "She'd dress you if you actually wore any clothes."

"Speaking of," Jacob muses, tugging at Edward's completely soaked forest green turtleneck. "You should strip."

Jacob says this lightly even though he thinks he's going to pass out soon. As if to confirm this, Alice comes down, already taking her clothes off because she can't see a werewolf Jacob but can see Edward waiting anxiously in the hospital's emergency department. Edward pulls away for a brief moment to strip down as well and the two vampires sandwich Jacob.

Jasper comes out as well, waiting under the shadowed ledge of the back porch. _Do you need any more?_

"It should be fine now," Edward confirms after a moment of settling in. "The water helps. Thanks anyway, Jasper."

Jasper nods and heads back to his room. _I'm almost finished the online degree in game design. I'll teach you later and we can make something?_

Edward projects happiness in Jasper's vague direction.

"Sorry," Jacob murmurs. "Fuck, you think I could shove myself into a walk-in freezer at like a McDonald's?"

"I would like to see you negotiate that," Alice admits with a giggle. _Oh, and about your career talk earlier._ "Edward, you should tell him about the gap years you take."

Edward blinks. "Which ones?"

"All of them!" Alice cheers. _You get creative in the oddest of ways._

"Thanks," Edward sighs because that wasn't really a compliment. "Well a few years back I spent a whole gap year reforesting toxic or landfill areas that weren't in use but couldn't be converted into anything else."

Jacob smirks. "Well look at you, saving the planet."

"I don't know, I just needed to spend some time," Edward says with a shrug. "I re-did my medical degree and joined Doctors Without Borders with Carlisle for a few years, travelled between pop-up hospitals. Did a stint as an emergency rescue worker for natural disasters."

_This guy is actually such a disgustingly good person-_

"Robbed a bank to see if I could and then put everything back."

_What the fuck-_

"Did a lot of stuff in the FBI, became a spy once, but these days the paperwork and background checks are too vigorous."

_James Bond motherfucking vampire-_

"Right before we came here, I went on a walk through the ocean with Rosalie. And I knew mermaids weren't a thing, but I was still kind of disappointed anyway."

"Through?" Jacob echoes, still reeling a bit from all that information.

"Vampires sink," Alice chimes in. "So you just walk in and take a stroll. Not like we need to breathe. It's a bit difficult at the ocean floor, and we can't go into the trenches without getting a few cracks from the sheer pressure, but it's really nice down there."

Jacob imagines Edward and Jasper walking slowly through forests of seaweed, bouncing a bit like all those movies of people on the moon, passing giant squids and massive sharks and who knows what else is down there.

"It's a lot darker," Edward corrects. "I can draw it for you later." He pauses a moment. "And, when it is easier to go into space, I think I'd like to find a new planet to explore."

 _Oh._ Jacob stares at Edward. _Oh, you can go into space. You're going to live long enough to just find a planet and go an adventure._

"Food is going to be a problem," Alice sighs, putting a hand to her cheek. "But I suppose, since Edward and Emmett are so enchanted with the idea, we could all take a holiday somewhere and just bring the packaged stuff."

"I want to be a vampire," Jacob deadpans. "Bite me."

"I'm pretty sure that kills you," Edward muses.

"I don't care, let's try anyway. I'm going to space, damn it."

* * *

"I'll play outfield," Jacob says, swaggering out of the trees half naked.

"I'm outfield," Edward says with a frown. "Unless you want to play on different teams?"

"Ed, babe, obviously we're on different teams because I'm about to destroy you," Jacob scoffs as he reaches the pitching mound and pats Alice on the hat. "Wasn't Bella coming?"

"I wanted to invite her but you're here and she doesn't know about the whole wolf thing yet," Edward admits.

"I could have played as a human," Jacob offers. "I'd still make you cry."

Edward scowls. "Let's play ball."

A few minutes later, Jacob is kicking his shorts off and sauntering up to the home base. Esme has covered her eyes, even though it makes umpiring very difficult.

Alice reels back and lets fly, Jacob's bat colliding with the sound of faint thunder (and Emmett laughs at how weak he is). Jacob immediately throws the bat down and shifts but Edward is already halfway up a tree and jumping for it, hurling it back down to Jasper as he falls.

Jacob leaps over Jasper's dive and lands back on home plate, trotting around in a circle.

"Out," Esme calls.

Jacob does a double take in shock.

"He touched your fur," Esme says.

Jacob still thinks that's a dumb rule.

They really get into the swing of things and Jacob almost rips off Rosalie's arm when she tries to steal a catch from him. It all comes to a sudden halt when Alice goes still and Edward rushes back in, shoving at Jacob.

But the other vampires are too close.

* * *

"A guide dog," Edward answers, leaning back against Jacob's massive shoulder, the wolf snarling at the three new ones.

"Huh," James says.

 _We can take them,_ Jacob thinks. _I mean, no offence, Edward, but I've always wanted to try ripping a limb or two off._

Edward sighs. "James uses tracking and he's not going to stop. Victoria is head over heels in love and has a tendency to get obsessive. Laurent will back down but he'll take revenge if we let him."

Emmett chuckles. _Time to party._

* * *

Edward thought it would be all okay after Bella finds out what Jacob is because then they can all hang out together without having to hide one part of themselves.

"Why are you upset?" Edward asks hesitantly, sitting on Bella's windowsill.

Bella sits cross-legged on her bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. "I'm not upset, I just…you spend a lot of time with him."

"But now that you know he's a werewolf, we can spend time with him together," Edward says. "Like today, when we were hiking. Did you like today?"

"It was fine," Bella assures. "But maybe we could do more things as just us? As a couple?"

"Okay," Edward agrees with a smile. "Just us."

"How about tomorrow?" Bella asks, straightening up. "We can study together."

"I promised to tutor Jacob tomorrow," Edward admits.

"Then the day after?"

"It's sunny, so a camping trip with Jasper."

"…And Jacob?"

Edward looks away. "Jacob and Jasper get along really well."

"All of your family gets along with him," Bella says blankly. "Even Rosalie likes him."

Edward slips further into the room and takes a seat on Bella's bed. "I told you what happened, right? How Jacob and I met? It's got something to do with that, and Rosalie respects him for it."

Bella takes Edward's hand. "Edward, I think it's good that you're such…good friends, but I'd like more time with you alone."

"I spend most of my days with you," Edward says. "At school, and then at night. I'm not sure what you mean."

Bella starts to say something but then stops. "Never mind."

Edward tilts his head. "Bella? Can you please tell me what you're thinking?"

Bella smiles, but it looks a bit off. "It doesn't matter."

* * *

"I think Bella is upset with me."

Jacob flinches and throws a pillow at the window. "Fuck! Edward, you can't use your treaty-breaking privileges to sneak into my room."

"Bella is upset," Edward repeats, picking at the pillow he caught.

"Dude, I could have been jerking off."

Edward rolls his eyes. "I can hear your thoughts; I would have left if you were."

Jacob raises an eyebrow, sitting up completely and kicking his blanket off. "And you…have you ever?"

"Once," Edward admits quietly. "When you were super into large breasts for a while."

"Fuck you."

"Don't ask questions that you don't want answered! Now, back to the topic; Bella is upset."

"No, no," Jacob cuts in. "We are talking about this now. What else have you seen? What else do you know about my dirty secrets?"

Edward looks away.

 _Don't you look away from me,_ Jacob thinks very hard.

Edward glances back and purses his lips because he knows what Jacob wants to confirm. "You tried gay porn."

Jacob takes a deep breath. "That was a while ago."

"Yeah."

"And you…never said anything?"

"Well, you decided you didn't like any of it," Edward points out. "So I hoped…that we didn't need to talk about it."

Jacob stares at him.

"Oh," Edward says blankly. "Okay."

Jacob hesitates but stands up and walks to the window. "What are you…thinking?"

"I think I know why Bella is upset," Edward admits quietly.

Jacob braces a hand against the windowsill and leans down. "And…?"

"I'm in a relationship," Edward says but he tilts his face up. "And I've never thought about liking men, and…"

"One try," Jacob whispers. "A little kiss."

"I can't cheat," Edward says adamantly because he's very serious about that kind of thing.

"I forced you?" Jacob offers.

Edward laughs. "No. Okay, we need to talk about this properly. With Bella." He pauses. "The three of us could…"

Jacob hums. "I mean, if that's what you want. I guess I could try sharing you."

"No, like together," Edward insists.

Jacob leans back and shrugs. "I don't know, I'm not really feeling Bella at the moment."

"Okay," Edward murmurs. "But we still need to talk about other things."

Jacob leans in again. "You can one hundred percent tell people I forced a kiss on you."

Edward rolls his eyes. "I'm stronger than you when you're human."

"Maybe I was a wolf," Jacob grins. "I'd be into that. Like have you seen my massive dick when I'm transformed?"

"Jacob, _no_."

**Author's Note:**

> Like how the hell did I even get back into this fandom, I have never written anything for Twilight, haven't read anything in years, what the hell is happening?
> 
> Anyway, I just though it was funny to add in a serial killer, and ended up deciding to make everyone act dumb like actual teenagers. I wrote this in one stretch like holy shit.


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